News blog

Jan. 4, 2019

Stockholm Syndrome, where villains can be heroes! – CA member share

I have been thinking about the name of this convention and actually how appropriate it is in describing my experience of Cocaine Anonymous. Per G. wrote in the blog (July 6th 2018) about the origins of the synonym, do read that.


I arrived in this fellowship an absolutely broken man; I couldn’t live without drugs and knew I had no choice but use again. My children didn’t want to know me, I couldn’t maintain any relationships and I felt lost and alone. At the time I was working as a lecturer in University, lived in some grandeur with a beautiful partner, on paper my life was wonderful, but I simply couldn’t capitalize on anything, I was miserable, always agitated and so unhappy. Self-medication was my only solution and I was completely captive to drugs and alcohol, losing control dramatically at times, causing chaos and feeling full of shame. 


The trouble however, even though I was bust when I arrived, I had not surrendered denial and did not know how very sick I was. My defenses were strong and in my perception, having a posh post-code, a suit and a PhD was a sign that I was clever! I was older than most of the guys in my first group, I had never been to prison or owned a baseball cap, I didn’t even swear!! BUT this bunch of tattooed boys had answers that I didn’t; they took me in and gave me a solution. They loved me enough to say, "Be quite and listen" going on to add that "you do not know how to stay clean, we do."


I grew as I took on board their guidance, hung on the words of my sponsor, half my age and a funny accent that came to mean nothing. He took me through the steps and I found a power to live by, I was set free. Today I marvel at our fellowship, the amazing breadth of members all joined in a common solution. Makes no difference if you were previously a Lawyer or a Priest, a Cat Burglar or Beggar. Our mutual experiences mark us as all similar in our disease and join us in an incredible unifying purpose. In fact I love these guys who captured me with their solution. Today I look beyond what you wear, the car you drive or the job you do and simply want to know how I might help or what you can do for the newcomer. How we can join together in changing the hearts of those that suffer.


This summer I so look forward to hooking up with some of the original gang that carried the message to me, to give something back, to celebrate the glory of C.A. as it grows in Europe and hopefully bring more members from Germany who have not yet fully experienced the Spiritual solution that will be on offer at CAWS 35 – Stockholm Syndrome.




Any opinions expressed in this text belong to the writer and do not necessairly represent CA as a whole.


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