News blog

Nov. 4, 2018

Step 5 – CA member share

I attempted to take step 5 four times before it worked. So here are three ways that didn’t work:

 

First, I shared my life story with a therapist. Paid her for hearing it, felt good about getting hours of undivided attention, still suffered lack of power afterwards and remained restless, irritable, discontent. I was still dying on the inside.

 

Then there was this creepy sit-down in a church room with a member of another fellowship who curiously heard me out. But not having had the explanations based on the Big Book, I wasn’t near admitting the exact nature of my wrongs to myself, to God or to the other human being in the room. And I was still dying on the inside. 

 

The third one was with a sponsor in another fellowship who gave me some instructions based on the Big Book, but we didn’t really get around to looking at the exact nature of my wrongs. Heavy on columns 1 and 2, I could unload some stuff, but the search light over my character defects was limited to the flickering flame of check-marking abstract words on a list. Still dying on the inside. 

 

Eventually I found Cocaine Anonymous sober, but spiritually very sick. My first C.A. sponsor guided me with some hardnosed suggestions. This time in step 5, I got to talk about how my selfishness, self-centeredness, self-delusion and arrogance had always hurt other people and isolated me from God and my fellows. I saw how it had the potential to destroy everything beautiful in life. I walked away from this experience wanting to change completely. I stopped dying and started living. 

 

This time, the Big Book promises came true. I will never forget the peace that washed over me that night. I was delighted. I could look the world in the eye. I could be alone at perfect peace and ease. My fears fell from me and I began to feel the nearness of my Creator. I began to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the problem had disappeared came strongly. I felt I was on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe. 

 

Claudia, C.A. member

 
Any opinions expressed in this text belong to the writer and do not necessairly represent CA as a whole.

 

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