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Oct. 23, 2018

Sobriety is the Prize – CA member share

I learned in the rooms that my closest friend and confidant wasn’t that at all. He was King Alcohol, a regent and higher power bent on my destruction. These are not easy words to say as a member of a Christian church, but this is not a fellowship of palatable truths and soft landings.


This is Cocaine Anonymous, a place where my ego gets crushed and my self-delusion is scrubbed away over time. This is my home, where I am discovering the true me. It’s also where I equip myself with difficult truths and I live off of large helpings of reality.


King Alcohol rendered me, at his feet, powerless and blacked out at noon on a Monday. I seemed so surprised then that vodka could do that to me, but I’ve learned since then that I’m just a hopeless alcoholic and I drank to live.


Once my mind started to clear up and my emotions started thawing again, I saw the emptying, gaping hole in my chest, where the booze, marijuana, and other addictions used to line the insides. I could now feel the raw pain. Fuck, I’m so deficient! I’m not enough.


When I felt not enough, I obsessively sought relationships. So, I wanted to sober up quickly, keeping the goal in mind of going back out there to date. I did everything my sponsor said. I’ll do this all this work now so that I can go back to how it was… with less of a guilty conscience.


And soon after I finished the steps, I did start dating again. It was awful. Dating and meeting women sober is hard. After a whole slew of unsuccessful attempts, I (kinda) stopped. I wasn’t repeating the behaviors, revealed by my sex list, but I was sick with my fears. My sponsor spoke to me about this from day one, where life isn’t about relationships, but rather developing a lasting relationship with ourselves. I (kinda) accepted the advice to give dating a break, put aside my old ideas and devices, and trust God more than I did when I came in.


What now, God?


His response was, let me show you.


With a growing junkie-level dedication to the 11th step, I developed a real appetite for meditation. Prayer felt like food and water now. And there, in the quiet stillness with self, I met myself. And I wasn’t too shabby. No… I am OK. I am enough. I am a child of God, loved and accepted as I am, by him and by my fellowship.


Relationships, sex, romance… they’re secondary gifts from God, “neither to be used selfishly or lightly, nor despised or loathed.” The primary gift of God is sobriety and it truly is the good shit. it’s what I strive to focus on everyday.


I’m eternally grateful that I gave up last year and said that I’m powerless to this disease. Life seems to be cyclical and every revolution in sobriety seems to bring about welcome changes in me. Not picking up today means that I get to enjoy this gift of God and do what I can to pass it on to others.


In a recent Facebook comment, an CA old-timer said, “You can have a fantastic life for the rest of your life. (If you continue to do what you have to do).”


That parenthetical note is what separates life and death for an alcoholic and drug addict like me.


So, I choose life just for today, life is sobriety.


Sobriety is the prize, and nothing else.


CA member

Any opinions expressed in this text belong to the writer and do not necessairly represent CA as a whole.


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